I need to be honest. Training has it’s ups and downs. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and so on. I know it’s a little dumb, especially coming off of a great training half marathon, but i’m scared that I won’t be able to run the pace i want in 7 weeks. My spring ‘A’ race is almost here and halfway through training, I’m doubting myself and to be brutally honest, I’m fucking scared.
I hold running close to my heart. It’s a sport I didn’t get to play in school (not by my own choice, but that’s another story). After being active in art and music –all of which are subjective as to whether or not I was any good, I found running. The distance you cover, the pace you run, the time on the official board, is what it is. No one can take that away. It’s objective, black and white and another one of the hundreds of reasons I love it.
Each year I fall more and more in love with running. And each year i set goals. The goal of breaking 1:30 in a half marathon has been a far fetched goal of mine. It was once the secret, i bet one day I can break 1:30, goal. It’s been in the back of my head for years, even before I broke two hours. Until now I thought coming close to this time goal was as out there as finding the pot o’gold at the end of the rainbow or the lost city of Atlantis…
I have several more of those seemingly impossible, i can’t say these out loud goals which i’ll save for another time. Once a goal crosses my mind again and again, it’s hard for me to shake them. I have to know if i can do it! Or at least I have to try.
I’m 6 minutes away from a huge running goal of mine and for the first time in a while, i’m scared of it. It almost seems too big to actually happen. It’s getting close and for some reason the closer it comes the more i doubt my abilities. Yeah, i know! Ridiculous. But i’m allowed to have ridiculous thoughts, that’s the point of this post. Training takes a strange toll on you mentally and emotionally.
Maybe i’m just dealing with post-race blues? Maybe I’m not ready to hit the 1:30 goal this soon because it will close a big chapter in my running life. Maybe I’m already nervous of what goals I have for after.
Most days i feel motivated, strong and unconquerable. Those confident feelings of I CAN, push me through workouts and keep me relaxed when paces and miles seem impossible. I remind myself often, the mind will quit well before the body and we are all capable of what we can’t even possibly imagine.
See, talking it out with all of you makes me feel much better. Thanks for letting me air my thoughts :).
Monday: 20min yoga
Tuesday: 8.5m interval 16 x 400s @ 10k pace (6 @ 6:31/pace, 6 @ 6:27/pace, 4 @ 6:22/pace)
Wednesday: 6.9m easy 8:58/pace, 40 min shoulders + legs
Thursday: 30 min Rope pull up/downs + core
Friday: 7m alternating easy tempo 8:41/pace
Saturday: 11m easy 9:30/pace
Sunday: 2.5m walk w/LE
Total Miles: 33.4
Care to share your crazy training emotions?
What gets you through the self doubt?
03/21/2016 at 9:44 AM
My brain is in all sorts of horrible places lately. I’ve barely been running at all because I’ve been trying to heal up my IT band. Then yesterday, I went for a run and had to stop after FIVE minutes because it started hurting. I spent the whole morning convinced I was never going to be able to run again and the whole evening determined to quit running once and for all.
I feel a little better today, but still totally freaked out. Once I figure out how to get through self-doubt, I’ll let you know! 😉
03/22/2016 at 1:16 PM
oh no, IT band stuff sucks! I have a lot of posts about it unfortunately. Have you been doing MYRTLS? if not, do them every day! Trust me i’ve been through that “i’m never going to be able to run again” feeling.. you just have to strengthen the hips like it’s your job!
03/22/2016 at 2:31 PM
I’ve been doing MYRTLs as part of my strength work a couple times a week. Maybe I should add them in a few times on their own, though. I will check out the posts you have about IT band stuff… thanks!
03/21/2016 at 10:29 AM
Ok I totally get this (including what Katie said above). I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to keep in mind that I will ideally have the rest of my life to keep running, especially if I take care of myself now, and that it’s ok if I take longer to reach my goals or have to take the time off to recover from an injury or whatever. I haven’t run for three weeks because that’s when I hurt my ankle in a half marathon, and despite doing major PT sessions and stretches, I’m telling you I spend a lot of time just convinced that all my planned races are pointless and futile. It’s so ridiculous!
03/22/2016 at 1:17 PM
it is! don’t like the dark side take over, ankle injuries will heal, and you will come back stronger!
03/21/2016 at 11:05 AM
I think it is good to just air out these anxieties … because like you say, you are in a difficult spot between knowing that you can likely meet this goal and being scared about NOT meeting it and being scared OF meeting it. It is bizarre and yet totally normal all at once.
People look at how casual I am about everything as meaning I have no worries … yeah, no. I ran my first race EVER at 46 years old after 23 years of running. And before that I rarely ever ran at times when other people could see me. I wrote about that way back … but as a result I had all sorts of fears before that race. Basically that I would be last and everyone would laugh at me. (let’s just say that elementary school gym class wasn’t the best time of my life).
But then I ran, did a mid-pack performance and no one laughed. Soon I broke 30 minutes for a 5k, then ran a half-marathon and a full marathon, broke 2 hours for the half, broke 4 hours for the full, and last year broke 22 minutes for a 5k. And somewhere along the line I stopped worrying so much about anything but keeping myself healthy. Do I still worry about my times when I race? Of course – because there is a little voice of doubt inside of me always. Hate that jerk 🙂
Don’t you sometimes wish that you could have the confidence in yourself that others have in you? I mean, I have no doubt that you’ll break 1:30 … perhaps not this race, but very soon and it will be awesome!
03/22/2016 at 1:18 PM
like always, you nailed it. I’m scared of not meeting my goal, and scared of meeting it. Sorry to hear you had a rough elementary school years, it’s never fun to be the kid picked on or picked last 😦 But in the upside, i bet most of those people that picked you last couldn’t run the way you do now. You always inspire me!
03/21/2016 at 2:11 PM
Oh, I feel you! I know that fear. It’s how I feel about the marathon. I’ve been chasing the sub-3 for two years now. I hit 3:06 in 2014 and have wanted sub-3 ever since I crossed the finish line. And it scares the shit out of me. It’s been a goal that has tested me over and over. It’s knocked me down hard and taught me what it really means to work for something. What it means to want something so bad that you will literally turn your world upside down. And even then, you might be further from it than ever (ahem, my 3:58 or whatever in Indianapolis).
I think that’s why we love running so much though. It’s hard as shit and when you finally succeed (and I have zero doubt in my mind that you will reach that goal), you know that YOU did it. YOU put in the hard work. No one helped you, your legs carried you as far and as fast as you asked them to. I know big goals are scary but those are often the best ones to accomplish. Those are the ones that change you.
03/22/2016 at 1:22 PM
i read your comment over and over and i’m really glad we all go through the same struggles. 🙂 Knowing I have a goal that will “change me” also drives me and terrifies me all at the same time. So strange
03/21/2016 at 5:46 PM
I get so anxious about my running, training, and racing too. I definitely think it holds me back because I am scared of failing. It’s awesome that you have set a big goal and that you are brave enough to share it! I don’t have the answer for getting past self doubt…well I could give you suggestions but I haven’t found anything that works for me personally!
03/22/2016 at 1:23 PM
Sharing that goal was super scary, but it made it real and felt more attainable than ‘out there’. I hate racing anxiety!
03/22/2016 at 3:19 PM
Really enjoyed this post. I know exactly what you mean about those goals that are too scary to say out loud, but I so appreciate your honesty and vulnerability with this post!
03/22/2016 at 9:39 PM
thanks Katie 🙂 it was hard to hit Publish on this one! But i figured if i had these thoughts i wasn’t alone
03/22/2016 at 10:48 PM
I totally get this! I am usually pretty reluctant to reveal my “real” time goals – the scary ones that I think might be just within my reach. I guess I’m afraid of embarrassing myself and finding out that I’m being total unrealistic – so I get that vulnerability. But your times are heading in that directions and I’m sure that it will happen for you – I think the important thing is not giving up if it doesn’t fall into place for the next goal race or the one after that because it will come if you keep working hard.